Monday, July 27, 2009

Just PUSH!

When I was pregnant with my first son I was so scared of giving birth, not the whole hurting part but the being naked and spread wide open for everyone to see. As most mothers know once you are in pain you could careless about any of that. Well the time came and I was in labor my husband took me to the hospital, at that point I just wanted it all to be over. I had my husband, my mother and father and his parents all in the room and could careless who was there to watch. To make a long story short I should have never had Taco Bell for lunch that day because I pooped all over the table while pushing. Once I came to realize I pooped I just cried from embarrassment and didn't want to push anymore. The doctor literally had to talk me into it and tell me that it happens all the time.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Hello Halfy!

Over the 4th of July weekend I was at my neighbors house having a bonfire and we seen this squirrel that has a black body with a light brown tale. My neighbor and I looked at each other and I was like yeah "I call him halfy" then we hear some bimbo at the house next to us say "is that an albino"? I swear some people should not be allowed to talk. How embarrassing for her!

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Looks Like Rain

I was at a new salon and heard rain start pouring down. I told my stylist that I left my sunroof open (which was totally dumb of me being that the sky 100% looked like rain before I went inside) and asked if I could run out and close it. Then I ran back inside, sat in the chair, and said, "I made it just it time!" Then I looked at the very confused stylist and realized that I sat back down in the wrong chair with another stylist who was waiting on her client to finish being shampooed!! All I did was say, "Excuse me!" and moved back to the right area.

Every Guys Worst Nightmare!

My boyfriend and I at the time were at his house and he was getting ready to take a shower after working all day. I was laying on his bed and I hear a loud scream "BABY HELP!" so I hurry to see what the problem was, to my surprise he had zipped himself in his zipper! Yup, that's right!! At first I froze and didn't know what to do, I came back to reality and ran down stairs to get some ice water. I arrived back to his bedroom and he says "What the "f" is that for?" I tell him "ya know. to shrink it" Well It worked! It was kinda like the movie Something About Mary.. Sorry guy is scarred for life.

Meijer Fun!

I was staying the night at my friends house and her mom had been drinking. We had her take us up to Meijer to get some ice cream and stuff to make smores. While walking around Meijer to get our goodies we noticed we had lost her mom, so we started searching everywhere for her. Walking down every aisle hoping to find her, no luck! We ended up walking to the front of the store thinking maybe her mom was sitting down ( she is a heavier lady with a buzz) on one of those benches they have up in front of the check out lines. As we reach the front of the store we see her mother outside on one of those penny horses! Not only was she riding the horse she was yelling "Yee Haw"! I wanted to crawl under a rock.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Neck Pains

Either he had one too many beers or drank some of the toilet bowl cleaner? I hope it was beer that did him in. Either way at least someone gave him some pillows.

Face Plant

Looks like someone had four too many.

I Hate Running Late!

I was running late for work one morning, I had to be there at 8am and it was 7:30am so I hurry got ready and ran out the door. I wanted to get in before my boss was standing at the time clock looking at her watch. I arrived at work 1 minute for 8am so I made it on time. While walking to my desk on of my co-workers stopped me laughing hysterically, she then says "Umm look down" I looked down and to realize that I had put on two different shoes! I was wondering why it felt funny hurrying to the time clock, but I thought it was just because I was in a hurry and running. So I finally reach my desk and call my husband to bring me one of the other shoes to match one of the two that I had on my feet. On the particular day my husband was being a complete jerk and took his time before I new it, it was lunch (1pm) and he still had not brought me my other shoe! Good thing I had an hour lunch, I was able to go home and correct my terrible shoe mistake. The worst part of the whole thing is that I work with the public and I was lopsided all day!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

No Parking!

When I was around 17, I had a boyfriend who also was 18. We all knew that the parking lots of the neighborhood elementary school were very popular places for couples to mess around at night in their cars, since the parking lots were very dark and surrounded by trees and such.. So one night after me and my boyfriend went to the movies, we figured we would go to a nearby school to mess around.

We did this quite often so I was no big deal. I was sitting at the passenger seat and he leaned over on top of me. We took off all of our clothes and were about the have sex. Then suddenly in the darkness, we saw two headlights turning into the parking lot. At first we thought it was another couple who came here to do what we were doing, but we were still very scared since both of us were wearing nothing but each other. So we waited quietly still in position, for the car to leave. But instead of turning off the headlights and starting to do their own business, the car was driving toward us! So we raised our heads a little and took a peek...Oh shit it was the police!! The car stopped right behind us with the headlights shining right at us, we heard the sound of someone getting off the car.

Still in position, still naked, the cop stopped right outside of our window with a flashlight shining at my boyfriends ass. Since it was summer, we didn't have a blanket in the car, and both of us were too scared to reach back and grab our clothes. The only thing I could grab hold of was my shirt, which was obviously too small to cover anything up.

Terrified, we both hid our faces, but the cop just wouldn't go away!! The cop just stood there watching quietly with his flashlight! After a minute or so, the cop finally spoke..."get your clothes back on and go home" he said, but still standing there with the flashlight on, watching us naked! After some 30 seconds the cop finally backed off towards his car and waited until we left. Needless to say we never did that again!

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Drunks with Stun Gun

Drunks with a stungun - Watch more Funny Videos

For the love of god clean your trailer if you going to post videos on the web. Seriously, who just flicks cigarette butts in their home? These dirt balls!

Let's Get It On...

My ex boyfriend and I were at his house while his parents were out of town. We were down in his room and things got heated up pretty quick. I guess I was really into it due to the fact that I didn't have to be quiet. So I let him know I was enjoying the whole thing. Anyways after we were finished we got dressed and head up the stairs to meet up with some friends at a local hang out. We reached the landing to the back door leading out side when we heard his dad say "having fun?" Yeah surprise parents came home early. I just turned bright red and did say anything shocked and embarrassed at the same time. His dad then said " I know you were I heard you". I felt so stupid that I would never get frisky at his house again, so we took it to the local elementary school when we felt the need to get it on.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Macarena Anyone?

Last year I nearly drowned in a pool because my foot was caught at the bottom (How? I don't know) I was waving my arms around and stuff and my friends saw me and thought I was messing around and nothing was wrong and started video taping me.

When I finally got out they showed me the tape and in it the way I was waving my arms looked liked I was doing the Macarena! I felt like such an idiot. I have awesome friends!

Don't Try This at Home!

stupid accident of two girls in the park - Watch more Funny Videos

Wow, now was a stupid idea!

Hurry Call the Tooth Fairy!

EMBED-How Not to Jump Into a Pool - Watch more free videos

How embarrassing for him, I don't know what's worse looking like a complete jackass or missing half of your tooth. Both maybe?

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Toga Mishap!

My embarrassing moment happened when I was a junior in high school. I had to act out a skit during a schoolwide rally. I was a Roman person, wearing a very realistic toga, and I had to go out there with the student body president and vice president, when I noticed my black panty line was showing through my white sheet.

So I took them and my bra off and walked out into the gym. The noise in the gym immediatley stopped, and everyone was staring at me. Then I felt a breeze around my stomach and legs, so I looked down. I was standing there completely nude! I had forgotten to properly tie my toga in the back, so it fell off.

Then he just took my money!

My first real date was my senior year in high school (sad i know!) I took this girl that I had been friends with for a while and was really connecting with to a hibachi place. Dinner was fine, and it was very expensive, more than $60 if I remember correctly. After I offered to pay with a debit card, she pulled out a $20 and put it on the table. I proceeded to take it and put it in my wallet. Seemed logical at the time, I payed for 2/3 of the meal, I was a broke high school student what can I say? As soon as I put the $20 in my wallet, I realized how weird it was that I just sort of pocketed her money. The last five minutes of the date were very awkward.

After we leave, we both head to our cars, I got a text from my friend saying she was at the restaurant and they were all almost done and wondering what I was up to. So I drove around for a minute looking for a new spot, parked and walked in. Right as I came in I hear a loud "Yeah, then he just took my money" from the girl I had just taken out. It was so awkward but luckily I'm at the point now where I can just laugh about it with her, but it was very embarrassing because they all saw me right after she said it, and there was no way to pretend I didn't hear it.

Danny's Lil Girlfriend

My first date was fun we walked around our town for hours, went to lunch then walked on the wood trails. While we were eating a couple of my friends walked into the place we were eating at saying "look at Danny's Lil girlfriend" and asking "if I've mowed any lawn lately" I didn't really know what they were talking about but then the girl I was with start busting out laughing then I realized it was a perverted remark. When we walked the trails she started running so I chased after her and my asthma started to flare up so I couldn't breathe, I ended up having an asthma attach. It was pretty embarrassing, but now we are married with two kids.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Boys Will Be Girls

I called an escort service for a date to my work Christmas party. She seemed pretty enough. As I enjoyed the party with my friends, one by one they started mentioning unusual things about her. Large adam apple, big veins. Well one of my friends girlfriend told me she saw my date in the women's bathroom. She was peeing in the toilet while standing up and pulling her pretty dress up. I quietly said goodnight to everyone and brought my date home. I guess you live and learn, saw my eye doctor, and bought a new pair of glasses. After all, I just asked for an attractive escort. I figured since I was a man, she would be a woman.

Ice Cream Anyone?

My girlfriend and I were watching a movie at her house and we where holding hands, her parents where in there too. They all got up for ice cream and i was like "be there in a bit". I couldn't get up cause of the large bulge in my pants, but that wasn't the worse part. I think her dad knew so I made sure I stayed in the chair with my legs pinched together for the rest of the movie.

Stupid Me!

I was on my second date with this beautiful girl and I heard that a new place opened up called "Tiffany's" in our city. I suggested that we drop by and check it out and she got all excited. I had no idea it was a expensive jewelry store. I took one look...and turned right around, I felt like such a jackass. We went for a walk instead.

Leg Lift Mishap...

When I was in high school I was watching a cheer leading competition at home with my grandma and my sister. I had never been a cheer leader and was excited I could do some of the things they did, anyways one of the teams in the competition did a leg lift. I jumped up out of nowhere and said I can do that, so grab my foot and lift my leg over my head as I do this I let out the loudest fart ever! My grandma looked at me and said "I bet they don't do that" I was so embarrassed I fell to the floor.

Take the Test!

My boyfriend's family took me on their annual cruise last summer. We were hanging out in the room and he was searching through a family member's suitcase for a pen and found a pregnancy test. He told me to take the test since we were bored and of course, it came up negative, but after I took it we were messing around on the bed when his parents walked in on us. A few minutes later his little brother came out of the bathroom carrying the pregnancy test and said, "Darn! I wanted a little brother or sister!" His mom turned back to us with a look of pure anger. They never believed us when we tried to explain why I had taken the test.

Drunk Text Messaging

I was out with my ex-boyfriend Dan when we got into an argument at a local nightclub. I sent him several nasty text messages, but unfortunately "Dan" is right after "Dad" in my phone directory. It wasn't until the next morning... that I realized that several of my nasty texts actually went to my Dad! I thought I was gonna die!

Important Meeting

A friend at work "punk'd" me before a very important meeting with senior executives, by entering my office two minutes before the meeting, dropping several large smelly farts, then exiting telling me to "enjoy" the meeting. I was so embarrassed, how do you explain your office smelling like ass? I could have killed him.

Booga Shocka!

Embarrassing dance - Watch more Funny Videos

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Smoke Break

Not really embarrassing but funny, today at work a co-worker and myself were sitting out side having a smoke break after a very busy afternoon. We were both sitting quietly texting on our phones when I happened to see something out of the corner of my eye and I screamed like a little bitch before I even knew what it was. After I screamed we realized it was a cute little chipmunk poor little thing probably had a mini heart attach. I think I scared it more than it scared me.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Snowball Fight Gone Bad

When I was in high school we were having a snowball fight (indoors) during gym class. One of my friends got me good right in the head so I leaned out the doors got some snow, went to run after her I hit a pole instead which stopped me in my tracks and chipping my front tooth. Thankfully the chip felt bigger than it was... No more snowball fights indoors, lesson learned.

Sing it Girl

We're singing but Jill is falling - Watch more Funny Videos
It always cracks me up watching videos like this. You always have that one person to top it off with a huge bang. The best part is during the whole video she is just sitting there, then she joins in on the singing and totally loses it. Watch closely she even bounces off the floor.

Don't try this at home...

Camera Shy

A mother was taking a shower when her 2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so she ran for her camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that she had copies made and included one with each of their Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting that she take a closer look. Puzzled, the mother stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to her son, she had captured her reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera.

Who loves FooFoo?

On night I decided I was going to surprise my husband and wear a whipped cream bikini. So, I relaxed in a nice warm tub, along with candles and music to get myself in the mood. He came home so I toweled off and got out the Reddi Wip and started applying to new bikini. As I tried to walk sexy down the hall to the living room where he was the whipped cream started melting off my skin. We have two pit bulls and they eat everything including Reddi Wip. So, here I am, strutting down the hall whipped cream melting off me in chunks and trailing me are dogs licking up every drop that falls like they just got the best treat ever! Not so sexy we laughed so hard we were in tears and didn't even have sex that night. We at least the dogs enjoyed my reddi wip bikini..

Cheerlearders Don't Climb

One night after a football game at my high school I tried to get to my locker to get my cheer leading bag, but the school had been blocked off by big metal gates. I decided to try and climb it and jump off since I had done it before with no problem. I needed my bag! Well, right as I was about to jump from the top of the gate, my cheer leading skirt got caught on two sharp metal spikes on top of the gate. I got hung up dangling from the top of the gate by my skirt with my spankies up my butt! Just then, my boyfriend and two male cheerleaders on my squad heard my screams and came to my rescue. When they got there they hurried to get my down they thought I was hurt, but after they realized I was okay they never stopped making fun of me. My whole butt was showing, it was hanging out for the whole world to see!!! I had to tell my coach to get a new skirt and I never heard the end of it. I still get made fun of "remember that one time" it's terrible.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Unexpected Christmas Gift

One year for Christmas my mother thought it would be funny to buy me a caboodle box and stuff it with pads being that I haven't started my period yet. Though that wasn't embarrassing enough turning bright red as I open the caboodle box. My brother and I were packing to go to our dads after opening gifts. My little brother thought it was so funny about the pads the he kept making fun of me, as we were walking out the door to leave with our dad he asked "aren't you gonna bring your Caboodle?" I said, " ummm No I won't need it".

Well to my surprise 3 days after Christmas I got a little unexpected gift, yup you know it I should have brought that damn box. Anyways, as I stand in the bathroom freaking out because my step mom is at work and my younger step sister hasn't started hers either, what am I to do? I need something and fast! You may have guessed it, I had to tell dad I couldn't just stand there bleeding. So I get up the courage to wake up my dad and tell him, what does he do? He wants to have the my little girl is becoming a women talk, HELLO I AM BLEEDING HERE!! I need pads not a talk, sorry dad. Finally and light turned on in my head that grandma is downstairs so I went down told her my problem. I got some from my grandma (thankfully she lived at the same house). Hey they were only pantie liners but that held me over until my step mom came home. Needless to say I was embarrassed I had to tell dad, then my little brother found out and for about a two weeks straight ran around sing "Caboodle Caboodle" I wanted to just kill him. Merry Christmas to me!

Beautiful Blue Eyes.

One weekend last month a few of my friends and I went to a local Irish Pub for a few drinks. Our waitress is drop dead gorgeous with the most beautiful blue eyes. So of course I was hitting on her all night, I love pretty women what can I say? So I tell her that she has the most gorgeous eyes I ever seen in my life. A few days later was told her left eye was fake beyond my amazement it was a glass eye. I guess I had one too many that night.

Baseball Horror

When I was a freshmen I was very active, competitive and during PE I always played on the boys side of the gym, so I could play baseball and things like that. Well during class one day we were playing baseball and I was up to bat. Now remember this is a guys gym class so I am one of the few girls playing. Anyways while up to bat one of my "friends" got brave, she ran up to me as I am in my bat stance and ankles me.. Yeah! she pulled my pants down.

That is not even the worst part, I was wearing a thong so my butt was out there for everyone to see, plus the gym teacher was a big perv and acted like he didn't see anything even though he was the one pitching.... I was so humiliated!