Thursday, May 28, 2009

On the Hunt

When I was a sophomore in high school, I dated this guy and things got pretty serious. We dated for a while and my parents wanted to meet him, so we invited him over for dinner. While we were eating my parents stupid wiener dog got into the bathroom trash and dragged something out into the dining room. When I looked down I was mortified to find my used tampon ripped up all over the floor! I think everyone lost their appetite and I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die!

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Never Fear the Sock is Near

Back when I was about 16 one of the things my friends and I did on a regular basis was go to the local Taco Bell to hang out and have a bite to eat. Well, on this particular day nature reared its ugly head -- as it so often does at the most inopportune times -- and I had to squeeze a loaf.

Now if you've ever done your business in a public bathroom you know how nasty they can be, but considering I had a groundhog poking through my pants I had to go -- and right then and there.

So I sat down and did my business, but it wasn't until I needed to smooth things out that I noticed some comedian thought it would be funny to piss all over the toilet paper. No wipey with that. I looked around an of course there wasn't another roll to be seen, and there was no way I was going to walk around with butt paste between my cheeks. Hey, we're talking about a Taco Bell bomb here.

So what to do? I had to get it done, but there wasn't even paper towel in the holder, so that was out as well. As I looked around the room, wondering just how the hell I was going to get out of this situation without yelling for help, my eyes fell upon my socks. Soft, absorbent; works for me.

Yes, I wiped my ass with my sock. I had to! There was no other way. It was either that or walk home bow-legged.

Now top that.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Hey There Mr. Waiter

When I was about 15yrs old my parents took us out to eat at this really nice restaurant and we had this really cute waiter. The waiter comes over and gets our drink orders while smiling and looking all good. Embarrassing enough I'm with my folks and a little brother who has no manners at all. So we give him our food order, while waiting for it to be ready my eyes have been following him the whole time, not listening to any of the table talk. The food is ready and he brings it over and starts handing it out. Mind you I am at the back of table so he has to lean over to hand it to me, and what do I do? I lean towards him as well dipping my chest into my drink and spilling all over. I felt so stupid and he looked at me with a huge grin. What a klutz I am... My shirt and jeans covered in coke! I never returned to that restaurant again!

Friday, May 22, 2009

Fat Like You

My roommate and myself both smoke cigarettes. We do not smoke in my house however. So one evening we were both outside having a cigarette. My daughter came to the door and said "Mommy can I come outside?" I said "no its a little chilly, we will be back in there in a minute" My roommate then said "You don't want to get sick" My daughter then looks at her, stares at her for a couple of minutes, and says "Lisa, when I get fat like you I can go outside and smoke cigarettes too?"

Bad Table Manners

My mom is a religious woman who attends Sunday services at her church every week. She most times takes my 4 year old daughter with her while I work. One Sunday my mom and my daughter attended church like usual while there a friend of my moms offered to take my mom and daughter to breakfast after the services. This woman is middle aged and very sophisticated, she is quite wealthy. Well at breakfast my daughter was a little loud and obnoxious but nothing outside the ordinary. Then out of nowhere she stuck her finger in her nose saying "Nanny I got a boogie I got a boogie" She pulled a booger out of her nose that was so big it covered the tip of her finger. Not that that wasn't embarrassing enough for my mom...but I have taught my daughter to be outspoken and to say how she feels. So as far as any normal bodily functions etc she doesn't see that as she took that finger with her boogie on it and stuck it in this woman's face and said "EAT IT!!!!!" Enough said.

Hi Big Lady

My mom sister my 3 year old and myself went out to dinner at a local restraunt one night as a family. We all sat down and got our drinks. Just then the waitress who happened to be a taller big boned lady, not fat just husky walks to our table and asks if we are ready to order. My daughter turned to her and said "Hi big lady!" What can you say to that??

Potty Training NO NO!!

I took my newly potty trained daughter to the public bathroom at Wal-Mart because she had to go "potty". Once in the bathroom she got into the stall and as she was starting to pull her pants down proceeded to yell out loud "I gotta go poop really bad!" I heard a few people snicker...ok a little embarrassing. She gets up on the toilet and scrunches up her face and starts to grunt, loudly....again heard a few snickers. Then she said "wow thats a really big turd mommy it hurts really bad and keeps grunting" By this time everyone in the bathroom is laughing and I meanwhile, am mortified. Needless to say we sat in the stall until everyone else left.

The Things Little Boy's Do

I came home from work one day and my little brother had his friend over, I could hear them laughing from my bedroom when I opened the door to my room I found my brothers friend dressed in my underwear. I was not embarrassed for myself at all I was more embarrassed for him. Gee I wonder if he is now a cross dresser?

I Can Do the Splits

When I was about 14yrs old I was at a family friends house and all of us kids went to a neighborhood pool where I ran into some boys. I forgot I was on my period being that I never really wore tampons. We decided to leave the pool after swimming for hours, while walking home I started to show off doing kart-wheels and splits. So I did a kart-wheel and landed in the splits and I had bled through my tampon and my jean short were covered in blood. The boys pointed it out I was so embarrassed I ran all the way home crying.

It's the Girl in the Hawaiian Dress

A friend and I went to this really popular night club downtown. Once we arrived we paid the $10.00 cover charge and headed straight for the rest room after the long drive. Since we have never been there before we started looking for the restroom upstairs, after getting all the way up the stairs just fine we realized the restroom was down stairs on the first floor. The stairs were so steep and my friend ( we will call her Jill) was afraid of falling, we both had huge chunky heals on and Hawaiian dresses. I told Jill it will be just fine and to follow me! So we started down the stairs and my heal caught the back of the step and there I went sliding down the stairs in the "splits position". Once I caught myself and got up I noticed like four guys at the end of the stairs with drink in hand mouth wide open just staring at me ( well my butt anyways) remember I was wearing a dress and under that a nice little pink thong. Jill was laughing so hard that pee started to trickle down her leg. My leg was all cut from the fall I was so humiliated, I told Jill " I don't care if we just paid $10.00 to get in here or not we are leaving!" I was not going to be known for the girl who biffed it down the stair all night. So we left and headed to Canada, at least there no one would could say " Look it's the girl in the Hawaiian dress who showed everyone her undies". We ended up having a blast in Canada.